Looking back on "old me" at the early of this year, good news that it's June already and I still have no job.

Waaaaay too different from what I have expected weeks before I graduated, confident lvl 99999++ and even told mum that I will go abroad by the end the year because next year I will have another yearly planned and I would not be able to go on that time. Ha! I love the spirit of my old me. What an optimistic gurl. love u bby. keep the spirit up. 

 

My sleep cycle is ruined because I got kind of headache for few times during this holy month. It's not good, at all. Because once that happened, I have no motivation to wake up, or doing anything else but sleep. My phone's notification keep ringing and popped up and it's nosy af. Most of the time I ignored the message, I ended up make some friends of mine mad at me because they think I'm rude *sigh*. I'm so glad I have no serious talk nor in the middle of romantic relationship with anyone at the moment, because with my current state at the moment, just by thinking about that is already exhausted me. 

 

I laughed and feel pathetic on myself, remembering that early on this month I broke my relationship with my then boyfriend because he just lazy af to send me message (it just good morning and good night, end) and once I give him the opportunity to explain, he just simply told me that "I'm so sorry it just me who's lazy.."

Thinking about it now, I even wonder how could I have such amount of time to be always with my phone like, almost 24/7 except when I go to sleep and eat? Dang. I'm so sorry (to you, my then boyfriend) I think you're right when you said adult are like that "when we are in relationship we just don't talk that much" lol I still can't accept the fact tbh, but my current state somehow agree with your words, so.. yea. I even feel sorry for anyone who send me message and got the fastest responses around 2 days after the message received. 

Anyway,

I..

Gajadi deh. 

I already graduated early this year, yet I still have nothing to do up until now. 

Well, I could go travel and exploring places as it one of my interest, but I'm that kind of person who's more interest to use the money to buy something that interest me more than just a places.

I should admit that I'm kinda disapointed with myself when I delayed one of the job offer few weeks after I graduated (that one which ended up being failed in the end), that was a good offering as I remember (compared with some which happened lately), but instead, I choose to joined short course program along with tohoku university student in my uni. 

Want to know what's make me questioning myself more?
I'm not even regret to choose that decision.
God Lord. I should have know that finding job is not that easy yet I still thinking choosing short course program which paid not even the half of that company offered was not a bad choice at all. 

Why?
Because I met lots of amazing people on there. It kinda sad that I've got soooo many good information about study abroad, intern abroad, etc once I joined that program and met all of those amazing people. It also sad that I choose to graduated early, knowing that there's still some opportunity opened for active student. My parent never allowed me to go exchange or study abroad, because of course, they think it such a waste, money and time. Never know that most of my friend who went abroad before actually got a scholarship and monthly fee from (either) host university or my university. The GPA also do not need to be the one that written on there. Sad? Of course. You don't know that I was like ugh, when Ms. Windi offered me a full scholarship to my ~dream country~ for this summer, yet she canceled it once she know I already graduated early this year (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Other than that, 

Months after graduated, I found myself scrolling my social medias, knowing that some of my friend already enganged and having a decent job. I don't even know what should I react with that kind of matter. 

I'm happy, knowing that some of my friends were already take new level on their relationship. But there's also sad feeling, thinking uh I want that too. I want to get married earlier too. 

In other side, my mum is already at this point where she start questioning if one of her child already having the loved one or nah. 

"It could be nice if I could see one of my child bring their loved one to the family" she said, for many times. and I don't know what kind of feeling happened on me everytime that word is showing up. 

I would love to. I mean, who doesn't want that? Mum just being too worry that I will ended up die alone. 

But here I am, way too optimistic that "the day" will come. But maybe it would take a bit longer than mum's expectation. I couldn't married that easy by the age of 23 or 24 ya kno. 

I admit that I've seen someone nowadays; As rizka said "don't mind her, she will never be alone. once someone left, there would be someone already filled that place in a short period of time." no sorry, I don't mean to brag, but uh..ya, kind of like that. But they're just............??????? I'm just like that. I found myself looking for the right one, yet if I already found it, I'm wayyyy too scared to be settle with that person, ended up I left him, and bye. 

As the time goes by, finding the right one isn't that easy as I thought it was when I'm a highschooler. 

Looking back on it now, I even wonder how I could I have such a spirit to easily find opposite gender and thought "I want to spend my rest of my life with this person" the person seems like the most valuable person on earth, with his loyalty over his God, and of course, his looks. 

But looking for the right one to spend the rest of my life..uh, it's not that easy; As one of my favorite proverb said, "birds of a feather flocks together". I can't expect having that kind of k guy model look like if I, myself look like a rotten potato. I also can't expect someone will handled me on my worst, while I always be the one who being bitch, even it's not on the shark week. 

Finding the right one who will accept my flaws isn't that easy as it shows in drama. Meh.

It's similar with finding the right job. It took me for more than 5 times failed looking for the job I want (which most of the time were on marketing field), just to found out that I'm more interest to be an ordinary office worker or at least, a personal assistant. That "I'm into marketing" was a total BS I make on myself. I'm in denial to say that I love that thing. Offering something directly to someone is just not my thing --at least for now, I found myself I have no interest at all on that field. 

Duh. 

What should I do with my life. 

Should I give up, 

or nah.

 

"You learn to love yourself in the midst of having no one to love. Until you met him. The one who came by just as you thought you could settle for nothing but yourself."

_

(Weyy Linn)

I still remember clearly that one time my older brother told me that I'm such a weirdo, because it seems like I have no feeling at all towards anything. My emotions just separated into two, which are being over friendly and devious monster, he said. He even wonder if my heart was technically working or not, since I never gave any single f- on anything. Too cold to be called as a human being. 

It just me. 

I'm not good at showing my affection to someone. I don't even know who to blame so I grew up like this. 

I still remember that I used to gave my father tons of kisses everytime he got home after work, and tons of hugs to mum everytime she start to look tired. I also always try my best to be as close as possible I could do once I noticed that my older brother feel sad. 

I don't even remember when was the starting point when showing an affection is kinda weird for me to do and I stop doing it like I used to before. 

I could say I'm pretty good at showing my kind of romantic affection towards the one I love, at least.

But sh-- happened and I'm just too scared to showing too much, knowing that being too open will lead me into despair in the end, or simply.."it takes too much energy to show a single affection" to someone.

I'm sorry, for whoever you are who ever felt being ignored and not being loved from me. 

I'm sorry, ikhda, for never give a decent reply everytime you talk about your story. 

I'm sorry, meika, for never give you a warm hug everytime you try to show me an affection. 

I'm sorry, kwan, for never giving you the love that you deserve from a buddy like me. 

I'm sorry, princess, for not coming on the day of your thesis defense. 

I'm sorry, michelle, for not accompanied you during the book sale on at bintaro months ago. 

I'm sorry, bule, for being too nosy asking too much stuff about your personal matter. 

I'm sorry, mas ryan, for always used your cc to buy lots of useless stickers. 

I'm sorry, dad, for making you stressed thinking about me being unemployed for too long. 

I'm sorry, mum, for asking too much about anything. 

I'm so sorry. 

Thought that I'm just not so good at the thing called "loving" to someone or something or...idk. 

It just too confusing, and I ended up making myself look like a terrible person.