01/10/2020

18:28

 

I still remember our very first meeting and he didn't said many words compared to other date I used to met before. He was cold and bitter. It doesn't feels like a date but more like an interview of something and my head was in "I should do my best now"--mode at the moment our eyes met. 

 

He has a round eyes, sometimes when he sulked it made him looks like a puppy. 

He was as cold as an ice and he never smiled or laugh while we are outside. He's warm when it is only two of us. His laugh was so pure and I love to see him smile. So bright, sometimes I forgot I was mad at him when he laugh. 

 

I kept thinking that his heart was made by a stone, or an ice. 

He never shown any feelings, nor saying sorry.  

 

But again, he was warm. 

There many gestures of him that remind me to him, and only him. 

But the only thing that warm me was that time when I was cried while we're about to sleep and it's already dark so he can't see anything, so instead of turn of the lamp, he caress my cheek and feels the teardrop

 

"Don't cry" he said. 

"Next time when you need someone to talk you got me" he said

 

He never treat me like a princess. 

Instead, I was a doormat. 

I guess I never been in love with him. 

Because they said, when it was love, I might never get bored of him. I might always fall in with him no matter how poorly he treated me. Love will always forgive, and no matter how tiring it is, they will stay, they said. 

I lied to everyone that I am okay.

I still thinking about him once in while, despite how bad and toxic and mentally draining our relationship was. The doormat side of me said that I was just overreact and I shouldn't leave him that way. But ME. I was drained, and I know no one would save me but myself. 

 

I am my own safe haven.

Sometimes while the thought crawled in, I shrug it off

Maybe I'm just lonely. Or maybe I was in love? lol that was cringy af. 

We still got much things to learn, Rosi. But don't give up and stop now. 

 

You're progressing better.

Nurul was right when she describe me that I'm all good except on picking a lover. 

 

I hope years from now I would feel nothing when I read this crap. 

That would be good if I forgot your name already, or better, our whole story.