14/09/2015 19:46
Last night, a close friend of mine just told me that she is officially dating the guy she has crush with, and for no reason I just get rrreally happy like I was the one who's dating the guy lol remember the time when she was too worried and insecure about the guy's feeling toward her, and found out that finally all of those thing isn't matter anymore, because well--the guy finally declared that he already likes her since the very first time they've met on airport. Cute, eh?
And for no reason I just jokingly said that it could be nice if I also has someone to has a crush on at the moment, and said "why won't you just being a matchmaker and introduce [the guy's friend name] to me? Probably he will likes me, like your guy like you." she just laugh and said that, it's quiet hard because she know that guy ideal type, and seems like I'm none of it. lel okay.
I don't mind it, nor take it seriously.
And on that moment on, I'm just think that it's been a while since the last time I had been with someone. I mean, yah.. I have had some fancies on someone before, but it really has been a long time since I have had a true connection with someone. I'm not even sure if the latest relationship I have --or even some of relationships before, are really worth to be called as "relationship".
It always been like that,
I ain't even quite looking, I'm just aren’t clicking with people the
way I once used to so easily when I was before. And even when I think for a second that someone might have grabbed my attention,
the red flags come waving in ever so unholy-like.
I start to wonder what it feels like to have someone to call and
talk about my day, someone that isn’t exactly blood-related or a
roommate.
I start to yearn what it is like to be physically close with someone who actually cares about the effect that this all has on me and what possible consequences could be involved.
I start to yearn what it is like to be physically close with someone who actually cares about the effect that this all has on me and what possible consequences could be involved.
The conclusion is,
I start to forget what love actually is.
Regardless of how I feel or what I think and overthink, I don’t really remember what it truly feels like to love someone. And this can mean it can be harder for me to ever fall back in love with someone again. It can make it harder because I am constantly questioning what it is that made me ever fall in love with someone in the first place. It becomes harder because I start to wonder, “what’s the point?”
I start to think that all of those
random people that I had the pleasure (or regret) of meeting over the
years were just simply a way for the universe to keep my spirits high
to reassure me that I am still somewhat dateable. And while that is
nice and all, it’s all been on that superficial level that makes me
wonder if I actually am dateable.
I start to question
whether or not I am beautiful enough, fit enough, likeable enough,
nice enough, sexy enough, or just plain ol’ good enough. I just wonder
if I am enough because there could not possibly be a good reason for
why I can’t simply make a connection with someone that lasts longer
than just a few dates and a couple of weird flirting sessions.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what the reason is.
Right now I am stuck in a waiting game. Whether I am actively looking, or just passively living my life – even the most apathetic people need to feel love once in a while.
Again, I am stuck.
I'm stuck in the middle of being in love and giving up.
When date after date just fails me, I can’t help but feel that small voice in my heart telling me that it’ll come along again someday – I just have to keep living my life as if there is no one else in the world but me and the people who bring out that best self within myself.
It is my heart to telling me to stop wondering and overthinking about what love is, and just do it – love the life and people I have in my life already, --and as they said,
"it will find you"
¯\_(ツ)_/¯