I didn't think much about myself. Not so caring about my surroundings and all. I'm just doing it in my own way. No one hurt anyway? 

The time passes, and I start to hear some similar words with "mid-life crisis mostly start on 20s". As on my side, it started not so long after I graduated, one by one is inviting me to be their bridesmaids. The others seem like signaling they will get married anytime soon, and the rest just showing that they're already on stable life with a decent job and needs fulfilled. 

There was a time I was thinking about my purpose of life, about what will I do in the future, etc. I thought I'm depressed enough by thinking about that and ever thought that I should visit a psychiatrist regarding of this matter. I thought no one understands me enough, but I think that's not the point. I'm just way too embarrassed to tell my own story and all my problems with someone I know or someone I've closed with. 

Also after a long thought and spending time for my own self to re-evaluate myself, I always ended up feeling cheesy with my past behavior. I'm not that depressed, tho. 

Well, I think I'll get it through. 

It's tough, but I think it'll pass soon.  

I'm not even sure when was the last time I totally fall into someone. After that long consideration and thought, I can't even think that all of them were suitable enough to be called a relationship based on love. 

What is love? I mean, seriously. What is that?

M was right when he said things like that can't just happen instantly and in short period of time. 

I remember I was crying all night long in few days in a row and thought that I would lose few kilos because I probably will end up losing my appetite because I broke up with my then-boyfriend. Turns out I only cry for 3 days and I went to eat normally not so long after that.

I remember I was crying and my chest hurt so bad because my ignorant-then-boyfriend just letting me go easily. Thought that I would cry all night long and all of me would be a mess after that, but turns out I only cry for about 5 minutes and continuing my life as if nothing happened. 

I remember I was stressed and lost my appetite for few days because the one that I like just disappeared and basically just busy with his own life. I keep torturing myself and thought it was my fault it goes that bad. It took me for about 1 month to let it go, up until the time I write this.

In the same period of time, I also remember I was crying over someone who went back to his country. My heart told me that it's not so wrong to cry over him. I have no one that "own" me, and my heart belongs to no one, too at the moment. It feels so wrong, yet it feels so good. He was the coldest person I ever met, the one that never showed his true feeling to anyone, but for me. It somehow makes people thought I'm such a delusional human being who always made up stories when I said he did this or that to me. He never says any sweet words to me. Nor showing his interest, especially in front of anyone who knows us well. The day before he left, he keeps holding my hands saying this and that, promise this and that. Also repeating for many times that he would not drop any tears at the airport for tomorrow. I also remember that for a day he doesn't speak too much to me and tend to change his sight every time our eyes meet. He saw me crying for many times yet still maintain his ego and act like he doesn't care much about what was going on at that day. Minutes before he entered the gate, I cried so much I barely can't even open my eyes. And there was him. Standing frozenly looking at me. Trying so hard to hold his tears. 

I don't know and still not really understand the real definition and a concept of love is. 

Andini ever said that my life was just a series of flings, and I can't say it's a full wrong statement. 

But if it keeps going, 

How could I end up settle with someone?